Shreveport.com - Jokes, Jokes and More Jokes

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Shreveport.com (http://www.shreveport.com/forums/index.php)

- Comedy (http://www.shreveport.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=32)

- - Jokes, Jokes and More Jokes (http://www.shreveport.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1794)

rhertz

06-19-2007 09:38 PM

What, Brainsmashr was banned? LOL, I'm not surprised. Maybe now I can post more recipes without Brainsmashr dot com blowing the whole vibe by "expressing" his "opinions" in the forums. I'm glad they finally woke up to his scheme after so long.

piemaker720

06-19-2007 09:43 PM

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

piemaker720

06-20-2007 08:57 AM

Blonde's Dream

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Blondes Mother Dies

One day a brunnete was driving home from work, as she got out of the car she heard her blonde neighbor crying. "Oh my god what wrong?" the brunnete asked. "My mother just died!" said the blonde crying out. The brunnete feeling sorry for the blonde comforted her for the whole day. The next day the brunnete saw the blonde crying outside. "Now what the hell is wrong?!" said the brunnete. "Ohh, it's terrible...my sister called, and her mother died too!"
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

AnimeSpirit

06-20-2007 10:13 AM

LOL! This one is just wrong.

Quote:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?”

Barbara: “Sure, I’ll have a go!”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest?

Is it……..

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.”

“I think I know who it..but I’m not 100%…

No, I haven’t got a clue. I’d like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: “Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: “I’ll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.”

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): “Hello…”

Regis: “Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara’s and she’ll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.”

Barbara: “Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush”

Maggie: “Oh Gees, Barbara that’s simple…..It’s a Cuckoo.”

Barbara: “You think?”

Maggie: “I’m sure.”

Barbara: ” Thanks Maggie.” (hangs up)

Regis: “Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?”

Barbara: “I want to play, I’ll go with C-Cuckoo”

Regis: “Is that your final answer?”

Barbara: “It is.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Barbara: “Yes fairly, Maggie’s a sound bet.”

Regis: “Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …you’re right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.”

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks “Tell me Maggie, How in God’s name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: “Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.”

Isaac-Saxxon

06-20-2007 11:16 AM

Mark 17

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday,

I am going to preach on the subject of lying. As preparation for my sermon,

I would like you all to read Mark Chapter 17."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin.

Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read

Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to,

Mark has only 16 chapters."

AnimeSpirit

06-20-2007 11:55 AM

No offense to you Christians out there, but I found this worth a chuckle.

Quote:

A new priest was so nervous at his first Mass that he could hardly speak. After Mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass." So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

To Our New Curate - A Few Tips.
* Sip the vodka, don't gulp it.
* There are 10 commandments, not 12.
* There are 12 disciples, not 10.
* Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
* Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
* The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as GD, JC, and the spook.
* David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
* When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
* We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
* When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
* The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
* The recommended grace before a meal is not, "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Thanks for the grub, yay God."
* Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Todd	06-20-2007 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rhertz

Well that's the funny thing about listening to people who don't really know what they're talking about, isn't it?

That's makes 2 points you're wrong about in a single post....but I bet Isaac could easily top that!!!

Pocahontas

06-20-2007 12:42 PM

The pesky fly has returned to the picnic! Bummer!:arrow:

Isaac-Saxxon

06-20-2007 12:52 PM

I noted the smell too there Pokie. He will have his last word and poof the brain fart is gone. Take a deep breath and hold it brain :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: you slime bag your about to be flushed again. Just like a bad floating turd that stinks up a room :eek:

rhertz

06-20-2007 01:07 PM

I have found that it is much better to put my energy into writing the administrator, rather than writing to someone like brainsmashr. Let the admin decide for himself who is doing what on their site. They seem to be on the ball this week.

AnimeSpirit

06-20-2007 01:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Todd

Heh! Admin got him again.

Isaac-Saxxon

06-20-2007 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnimeSpirit

Heh! Admin got him again.

:clap: :clap: :clap: Anime ! I think he smells the same no matter where he goes so I am sure he will try again no matter no one would post to such a utter fool anyway.

piemaker720

06-20-2007 01:30 PM

22 Things To Never Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

piemaker720

06-20-2007 03:16 PM

A Fishing Lure

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

piemaker720

06-21-2007 10:06 AM

Drunk Driving Test

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer.

Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".

Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".

Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test."

Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".

Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".

Man: "Can't do that either."

Officer: "Why not?"

Man: "Because I'm dead drunk!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

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