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LSU 08-23-2007 04:04 PM

How to lose your last name
 
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning.

LSU 08-23-2007 04:08 PM

Counting with Fingers
 
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."

LSU 08-23-2007 04:10 PM

The 12 monks
 
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

LSU 08-23-2007 04:11 PM

Dr. Dave
 
: Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said:

" Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical Practitioner
to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go, Dave "

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering:

Dave .

Dave ..........

Dave ...................

You're a Veterinarian.

LSU 08-23-2007 04:13 PM

Cajuns in Heaven
 
Cajuns in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have
some Cajuns up here in heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the pearly gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all
over their robes. Hamhock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are
watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every
animal up here! Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is
home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems,
let's call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on." The Devil
Returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?" God
replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with
the Cajuns you have there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5
minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the
question?" God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... Hold on, God." This
Time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and Said,
"I'm sorry, God,I can't talk right now.

These coonasses have done put the fire out, and are holding a
benefit crawfish and shrimp boil to install air conditioning!"

LSU 08-23-2007 04:16 PM

Inspiration in our time of need
 
I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me.

I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of Hope.

We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy.

An image that suggests the universality of us all.

I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you all.

All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.





http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e7...nspiration.jpg

LSU 08-23-2007 04:20 PM

Mother in Law
 
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

LSU 08-23-2007 04:28 PM

The Life of an Egg
 
If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that was ever on top of you was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

LSU 08-23-2007 04:34 PM

Magic Beer!
 
Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at
the bar by himself.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says.


She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there
is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar
and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're
a real ******* when you're drunk."

LSU 08-23-2007 04:41 PM

Love Dress
 
A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"

LSU 08-23-2007 04:45 PM

Social Security
 
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Pocahontas 08-23-2007 04:57 PM

LSU are you alright??? I think you may need to drink some Magic Beer and go lay down for a while!:D

howela 08-23-2007 06:07 PM

Beer battered chicken
 
One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

Texasbelle 08-23-2007 06:34 PM

I think LSU has had one Magic Beer too many!

rhertz 08-23-2007 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LSU (Post 20119)

LMAO, I always knew there was a keg of golden beer at the end of a rainbow!

LSU 08-24-2007 11:02 AM

well tonight i'm going to have one to many magic beers, TGIF!!!! i have a friend who sends me a joke everyday so if they are funny and appropriate then i will post them!

Isaac-Saxxon 08-24-2007 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LSU (Post 20179)
well tonight i'm going to have one to many magic beers, TGIF!!!! i have a friend who sends me a joke everyday so if they are funny and appropriate then i will post them!

:rotflol::rotflol::rotflol::rotflol:

Isaac-Saxxon 08-25-2007 08:41 AM

TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not
be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'


Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part

increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and
continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

LSU 08-28-2007 10:52 AM

Hot Dogs
 
Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: "HOT DOGS," with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana. The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up. He then turns to his brother and says, "What part of the dog did you get?"

LSU 08-28-2007 10:54 AM

Mother Nature
 
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

LSU 08-30-2007 10:46 AM

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" He said you're going to die," she replied.

Pocahontas 08-30-2007 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LSU (Post 20525)
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" He said you're going to die," she replied.

Good one LSU!:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

Isaac-Saxxon 08-30-2007 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LSU (Post 20525)
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" He said you're going to die," she replied.

HEY LSU !! What your eyes so very tight for :D and what you have in your hemostats grasshopper ? :D

Huldah 08-30-2007 07:43 PM

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
He carried it into the men's room and proceded to pour it into a urinal.
Another man standing at another urinal turned and said to him,
"What did you do that for, that looked like a perfectly good beer."
The first man said, "It probably was, but I'm tired of being the middle man."


Throughout modern history, many of the worlds problems were hashed out in coffee and tea houses. I think our founding fathers did it one better, they met at the pub.

Cheers


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