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Old 08-23-2007, 04:04 PM   #1
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How to lose your last name

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning.
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:08 PM   #2
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Counting with Fingers

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets." So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:10 PM   #3
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The 12 monks

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:11 PM   #4
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Dr. Dave

: Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his
head that said:

" Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical Practitioner
to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go, Dave "

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
reality, whispering:

Dave .

Dave ..........

Dave ...................

You're a Veterinarian.
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:13 PM   #5
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Cajuns in Heaven

Cajuns in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have
some Cajuns up here in heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the pearly gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all
over their robes. Hamhock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are
watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every
animal up here! Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is
home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems,
let's call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold on." The Devil
Returned to the phone and said, "Hello, God, what can I do for you?" God
replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with
the Cajuns you have there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5
minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the
question?" God asked again, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... Hold on, God." This
Time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and Said,
"I'm sorry, God,I can't talk right now.

These coonasses have done put the fire out, and are holding a
benefit crawfish and shrimp boil to install air conditioning!"
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:16 PM   #6
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Inspiration in our time of need

I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me.

I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of Hope.

We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy.

An image that suggests the universality of us all.

I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you all.

All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.





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Old 08-23-2007, 04:20 PM   #7
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Mother in Law

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:28 PM   #8
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The Life of an Egg

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that was ever on top of you was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:34 PM   #9
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Magic Beer!

Magic Beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at
the bar by himself.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer," he says.


She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there
is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar
and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says
to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're
a real ******* when you're drunk."
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:41 PM   #10
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Love Dress

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit. When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. "What are you doing!" insists her mother. "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" "I'll give you a few more weeks," replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. "Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband. "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest," replies her husband, "I think you should have ironed it first!"
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:45 PM   #11
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Social Security

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
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Old 08-23-2007, 04:57 PM   #12
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LSU are you alright??? I think you may need to drink some Magic Beer and go lay down for a while!
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Old 08-23-2007, 06:07 PM   #13
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Beer battered chicken

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."
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Old 08-23-2007, 06:34 PM   #14
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I think LSU has had one Magic Beer too many!
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Old 08-23-2007, 07:47 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LSU View Post
LMAO, I always knew there was a keg of golden beer at the end of a rainbow!
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