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Old 08-12-2007, 08:42 PM   #1
Jesse
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Lindsay, Britney, Paris, Nicole......

Last week, one of the biggest stories in the news concerned Lindsay Lohan, who was arrested, yet again, for drunk driving. This time, she chased some lady, who was on the phone with 911 the whole time, straight into the parking lot of a police station where the cops were waiting for them. When they arrested her, they found cocaine in her pocket. Her booking photo appeared in every paper across the country. By week's end, Donald Trump had come up with a piece of pithy advice for the rebellious redhead. Seeing as Lindsay's mother and father spent all their time either in bars or behind them, he said: "Get a new set of parents!"

Britney Spears, of course, has been making headlines by attacking paparazzi, marrying losers and producing and dropping kids every time she turns around. In the latest headline, she was turned away by her dentist's office when she tried to get her 2-year-old's teeth whitened. Britney is no longer talking to her own mother, who made her a star by working her like a rented mule.

Everywhere I look these days, I see rich young celebrities acting as though they were raised by wolves, and it gets me thinking. I'm always on the lookout for a new career, especially as those I've been pursuing have produced, at best, mediocre results just ask my wife. The one thing I've determined I'm fairly good at, though, is being a parent. Hollywood is full of rudderless, rich brats who could use some good parental guidance. I'm a good parent who, just by coincidence, would love to be rich. It's a match made in heaven.

I wouldn't adopt any of these stars, of course, but for at least a few months we'd have an agreement that as long as they paid my hefty retainer fee, I'd be on call 24/7 to do what any parent would do. If Nicole Ritchie got caught driving the wrong way down the freeway, she could call me up, and after I made sure she wasn't hurt, I'd smack her on the back of the head and read her the riot act. I'd take away her car until she showed me she was responsible enough to drive again. And she'd be taking out the garbage and washing my car for a month.

If Britney attacked a photographer's car with an umbrella, she'd have to walk right up to his front door and apologize. I'd also break her wrist if she signed another application for a marriage license. If Paris Hilton hired my parental services, one of the first things I'd do is take away her camcorder. Then I'd sit her down and have a serious talk about what kind of girl she wants people to think she is.

I'd have to charge Lindsay Lohan double my normal rate. One of the first things I'd do is buy copies of all those magazines where they show her stumbling out of nightspots at 2 a.m. Then, I'd drive around to all of those bars and demand to see the manager, whom I would ask why he thought it was OK to serve alcohol to my underage "daughter." I'd tell him next time it happened, I'd be coming by with the police. By the time I was finished, she'd have to drive to New Mexico to find a place that would serve her.

If any of these stars mouthed off to me, I'd point out the fine print in our contract, paragraph 37 (b) ii, where we'd agreed that if the party of the first part (them) ever gave the party of the second part (me) any guff, they'd have to sign everything they own over to me. I bet that would put them in line.

I could even start a "junior" division for all the up and coming stars, so they don't go down the wrong path. Little Dakota Fanning is cute now because she's just 13. She won't be so adorable when she's 19, has just run over your dog and is getting ill all over your rose bushes. If her people want to hire me now, I can probably do some preventive parenting to keep her on the straight and narrow.

There's an old saying that you can't choose your parents. If I can get my new career off the ground, you just might be able to.

If you ever change your mind, though, I'll just give you a magnifying glass and a copy of paragraph 37 (b) ii.

-----------Thanks to Peter McKay!!!!!---------------
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Old 08-12-2007, 09:17 PM   #2
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Jessie, I think you are on to something there. I've done a good job at parenting as well and Pokie has too. I believe we should take on a few of these kids and head them back down the right road!!! Getting paid to do it will make it so much sweeter, won't it?
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Old 08-12-2007, 11:33 PM   #3
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I think I'm too tired to take on 20 year old drug addicts. Maybe if we could have had them at age 0 and started that would've worked. Yes there is so much to be said for raising your kids in a stable home, making them accountable for their actions, keeping them on some type of a schedule and then of course instilling a work ethic in them. I do not take credit for all of these things with my kids alone...Mr. Pokie played a HUGE roll in how good our kids have turned out! We have been blessed!
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Old 08-13-2007, 09:36 AM   #4
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