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Old 06-18-2007, 08:20 AM   #16
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There was a old bull and a young bull standing on a hill ! The young bull says let us run down that hill jump that fence and get us a cow. The old bull say no boy ! Let us walk down that hill and crawl under the fence and get them all.
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Old 06-18-2007, 08:49 AM   #17
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Don't Lie to Mom


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.

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Old 06-18-2007, 01:44 PM   #18
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Hey! Does anyone like Rendneck jokes? I've got plenty of them.
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Old 06-18-2007, 05:39 PM   #19
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A Case For The FBI


The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

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Old 06-18-2007, 06:21 PM   #20
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L T C G

Now that's funny right ther' I don' care who you are........
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Old 06-18-2007, 07:10 PM   #21
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Circle Fly


During a traffic stop a police officer is swatting at a fly that is circling around his head, and blurts out what kind of damn fly is that anyhow. The traffic offender replies, "that's a circle fly". The officer replies that he's never heard of a "circle fly". The offender replies circle flies are usually found circling around a horses ass. Enraged, the police officer says, "are you calling me a horses ass?", to which the traffic offender replied, "no sir, but you can't fool a circle fly.
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Old 06-19-2007, 07:57 AM   #22
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20 Things To Do In A Drive Through Lane


1. Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

2. Drive through backwards.

3. Belch your order.

4. After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

5. Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

6. Walk through.

7. Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

8. Repeat everything the order-taker says.

9. Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

10. Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

11. In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

12. When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

13. Drive through with a carload of naked people.

14. Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

15. Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

16. Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

17. One word: Flatulence!

18. Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

19. If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

20. Change a flat tire in the drive-thru lane.

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Old 06-19-2007, 08:27 AM   #23
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WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma
couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
nephew...

"They won't let me fart."
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Old 06-19-2007, 09:17 AM   #24
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Dress Of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: "what are you doing naked?" The daughter responds:"This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, She strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: "what are you doing naked, woman?"

She responds: "This is the dress of love."

And he said to her: "Well, go iron it."





Ma and Pa


Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.


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Old 06-19-2007, 01:23 PM   #25
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Journey of a Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
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Old 06-19-2007, 02:02 PM   #26
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Oldies But Goodies


Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:

Herman's Hermits "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

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Old 06-19-2007, 04:21 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrainSmashR
One day this guy was playing golf with his two buddies, one a lawyer, and the other a Psychiatrist, when the man matter of factly stated that he would be needing help from BOTH of his friends in the near future.

With their curiosity peaked, the Shrink and the Lawyer both asked what happened?

The man replied. This morning at breakfast what I meant to say was Honey, can you please pass the butter, but what came out was *****, you really ****ed up my life.
Check out Brain's usertitle! He has been banned!

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Old 06-19-2007, 04:35 PM   #28
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Good riddance! Way to go SB Live Administration!!!!
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Old 06-19-2007, 06:22 PM   #29
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Dressing Up to Go Out


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing dressed like the Fire Chief?"
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Old 06-19-2007, 07:37 PM   #30
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