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Old 06-21-2007, 06:21 PM   #46
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Driving with Penguins

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

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Dumb Robber

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

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Old 06-22-2007, 08:03 AM   #47
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Subject: SANDALS





A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace, looking at the wide assortment of goods, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent say,

"Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So, the couple walked in.

The shopkeeper said, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals upon hearing the claims, but her husband felt he really didn't need them.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on dee wrong feet, Mon, you got dem on dee wrong feet!"
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Old 06-22-2007, 09:54 AM   #48
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Cop Stories


Good: A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

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Old 06-22-2007, 11:15 AM   #49
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Cross-eyes Rotweiler


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy
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Old 06-22-2007, 01:58 PM   #50
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Bubba and the Lawyer

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"


"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin . . ..
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I'd been hanging out with?"

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Old 06-23-2007, 09:12 AM   #51
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Talking Dog

One day in the middle of England a guy sees a sign in front of a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep", the lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running".

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals".

"Had a wife, a whole lot of puppies, and now I am just retired".

The guys is amazed. He goes back and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten punds" the owner replies.
The guy is dumbfounded. "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap???"

"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff".
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