Jokes, Jokes and More Jokes

[BrainSmashR]

One day this guy was playing golf with his two buddies, one a lawyer, and the other a Psychiatrist, when the man matter of factly stated that he would be needing help from BOTH of his friends in the near future.

With their curiosity peaked, the Shrink and the Lawyer both asked what happened?

The man replied. This morning at breakfast what I meant to say was Honey, can you please pass the butter, but what came out was *****, you really ****ed up my life.

[LateNight]

A man walks into a bar looking disappointed and carrying a black bag over one shoulder. He sits down at the bar. The bartender walks up. "What`s in the bag?", asks the bartender. The man puts the bag on the bar, reaches in and pulls out a baby grand piano, a small bench and a 12 inch tall man wearing a top hat and a tux with tails. The 12 inch tall man sits down at the piano and begins playing Beethoven.

"That`s amazing!" says the bartender, his eyes wide with disbelief. "Where did he come from?". The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. "Rub the lamp" he says, pushing the lamp toward the bartender. The bartender grabs the lamp and begins rubbing it vigorously with his bar rag. Out pops an old, wrinkled genie. "I grant you one wish" he says to the bartender. "I want a million bucks!" says the bartender.

"Done" says the genie. The genie disappears back into the lamp. Moments pass. Suddenly a duck appears on the bar with a poof. Then another....and another. They appear on the bar stools...on the tables... on the wall. POOF...POOF...POOF. Thousands...tens of thousands of ducks begin to fill the bar!

"Christ!" shouts the bartender. "I didn't`t say ducks!" he yells, "I said bucks!". The man at the bar looks at the bartender, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[piemaker720]

First Time Skydiver


A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord.

Nothing happens.

He tries again.

Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.

Nothing happens.

He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits--yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

[AnimeSpirit]

I like this one!

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she "stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet. He had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,"Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like arose.

Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!"

And he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even..

[piemaker720]

Raoul Knows Everybody!

Raoul was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll bet you I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff. "Okay, Raoul... how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Raoul and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Cruise answers the door, shouts, "Raoul! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Raoul's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Raoul that he thinks Raoul's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Raoul says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yeah," Raoul says, "I know him. Let's fly to Washington and I'll prove it." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Raoul on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Raoul, what a nice surprise! I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first, and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Raoul, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Raoul. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So they next fly to Rome.

Raoul and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Raoul says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye down here in all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Raoul emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Raoul returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Raoul asks him, "Boss! What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and then the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Raoul?'"

[rhertz]

This is a really old joke for Al and Latenight…


An old woodsman came down from the hills into town to get his old buck saw sharpened at the hardware store. While he was waiting, the salesman at the hardware store asked the old woodsman to check out one of their new chain saws. The old woodsman was skeptical. Why do I need a new chain saw? My old buck saw serves me well. The salesman promised that it would take 1 hour to cut a cord of wood with the chain saw instead of 8 hours with his old buck saw. Sold! The woodsman bought the new chain saw and took it back home.

The next day the woodsman re-enters the store and asks to return the chain saw for his money back. “Why”, asked the salesman. Well, said the woodman, the chainsaw was faster like you said. It only took me 6 hours to cut a cord of wood instead of 8. But I like my old buck saw better. So I want my money back.

The salesman couldn’t believe this. Surely something was wrong with the chainsaw for it to take so long to cut a cord of wood. So he grabbed the chainsaw to see what the problem was, and the salesman gave the cord a big yank. The chainsaw rev’ed up! Vrrrrrrooommmm!

The woodsman yelled, “What’s that noise??!!”

[howela]

Little Johnny was playing in the house when he asked grandma how old she was. "Go outside and play,You DON'T ask a lady how old she is" replies ma.
"Well tell me how much you weigh" asks Johnny. "Go outside and play,You DON'T ask a lady how much she weighs" replies ma.
"Well at least tell me why Grandpa left you" asks Johnny.
"Go outside and play and quit asking so many personal questions" says granny.
On the way outside Johnny sees grandma's purse and gets her drivers license.

"Grandma" he says, "I know how old you are, you're 72 years old."
"How did you know that? asks granny.
"And I know how much you weigh, you weigh 115 pounds"
"How did you know that? she asks again.
"And now I know why grandpa left you.................

(showing her the drivers license) You got a "F" in sex!

[piemaker720]

Back Seat Driver


A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."

The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

[piemaker720]

Baked Beans


Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

[AnimeSpirit]

Originally Posted by BrainSmashR

One day this guy was playing golf with his two buddies, one a lawyer, and the other a Psychiatrist, when the man matter of factly stated that he would be needing help from BOTH of his friends in the near future.

With their curiosity peaked, the Shrink and the Lawyer both asked what happened?

The man replied. This morning at breakfast what I meant to say was Honey, can you please pass the butter, but what came out was *****, you really ****ed up my life.

Check out Brain's usertitle! He has been banned!

[Pocahontas]

Good riddance! Way to go SB Live Administration!!!!

[piemaker720]

Dressing Up to Go Out


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing dressed like the Fire Chief?"

[LateNight]

Originally Posted by AnimeSpirit

Check out Brain's usertitle! He has been banned!

And there was much rejoicing.

[rhertz]

What, Brainsmashr was banned? LOL, I'm not surprised. Maybe now I can post more recipes without Brainsmashr dot com blowing the whole vibe by "expressing" his "opinions" in the forums. I'm glad they finally woke up to his scheme after so long.

[piemaker720]

12 Step Program Of Recovery For Web Addicts


1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!